If I Could Turn Back Time

“I wish I could turn back the clock.”

“I wish I could go back to high school.”

“I wish I could talk to myself ten years ago.”

I’ve heard some iteration of these questions many, MANY times.  I’ve been asked them.  I have pondered them.  I know for a fact that I wouldn’t want to go back to high school.  It wasn’t the best time of my life.  Far from it.  That time was awkward and full of times that, while they weren’t damaging, weren’t fun.  Sure, if I could go back and tell myself that everything would be okay, I would.

Everything will be fine.

Learn from this.

Hang on to those happy times.

The one thing that I would do, though, is go find myself as I’m teetering on the cusp of paganism, grab myself by the shoulders, and shake myself violently.

Kinda like this.

I would tell myself to listen to my gut.  The books aren’t the end all, be all of how things work.  The elaborate rituals sound amazing and probably look amazing, but for the time being you’re solitary.  Work with yourself.  Listen to the whispers.  If something seems right, do it.  Read mythology and pick up books on ancient practices when you find them.

Believe in the magic you weave.  It works!

Thinking back on it, I started everything at the age of 13.  That means I’ve been practicing paganism for nearly 20 years.  I have to tell myself that.  This isn’t a phase.  This isn’t some passing fancy.

I am pagan.

I am a heathen.

I wish I had found blogs, websites, forum posts on paganism on a budget at an earlier date.  It would help me with the idea that the books aren’t the only way.

I have a box full of books on Wicca.  It was the path I started on.  I bought books when I could.  Bought the ones that jumped out at me.  A few with pretty covers.  Some that worked with dragons.  There was so much stuff.  So many guidelines and things that I had to remember.  I was a theater kid.  I should have been able to remember how to call the quarters.

None of the books mentioned going with your gut feeling.  Listening to your inner voice.

Do these sorts of spells when the moon is in this phase.  Use these herbs.  Use ONLY these colors.  Black is the color of negativity. Evil. VOID.

There is white magic and black magic.  Don’t do black magic.  There is grey magic, because some times you need to hex a bitch.  No one warned me that I should be careful with voodoo.  The local library and book store only carried books on voodoo that dealt more with the anthropological side.

Don’t forget the rule of three.  Or is it nine?  Don’t forget the Wiccan Rede.

I don’t know when it was that I shrugged off that oppressive feeling of so many rules.  When I got back to the root of it all.  I know it was after I began my relationship with Grendal.  After I found out his family was perfectly fine with paganism.  They read tarot cards, talk with spirits, and believe in faeries.  He sees things, speaks with them.

We’ve come together in our different practices, Grendal and I.  We talk about these feelings we have.  He encourages that I follow them.  He is also the voice of reason and has stopped me from cursing people in the heat of the moment.

I use magic as I cook, as I work.  I talk to the spirits in the garden, using three lawn trolls as physical representations.  I talk to crows and squirrels when I can.

I wish I could have done this earlier.  Embraced the fluidity and organic nature of what paganism should be.  You shouldn’t HAVE to buy all the things.  Those items aren’t needed.  They’re extensions of yourself, used to focus and pour yourself into.  It is nice to have but not necessary.

Things have change so much for me.  After 20 years it feels like I have finally become the witch I was suppose to become.

Frances. I’m supposed to be Aunt Frances.

I LIVE!

Six months.

6 MONTHS.

THAT’S HALF A FLIPPIN YEAR.

WHAT THE HECK, ME?

I’m still alive.  Still around.  Much has changed.  I feel like a LOT has changed but maybe not.

So!  The last time I posted I mentioned a part-time job I had taken on.  To put it plainly, I’m still there!  It went from a part-time job to a full-time spot.  Because of that I left my other job. So I went from being an associate at a big food corporation, who got passed up to be a manager, to being a full-time cook! 

Wow.  Just, wow.

On top of that Grendal had received a seasonal job working at warehouse for a big box store. It paid more than the school district. Two weeks ago he got the notice that he would be hired on full-time and get an increase in pay since he would be working 3rd shift.

So, what I said about hoping that things would get easier? They have. We and rent rolling in money by any account but we can breath easy and not worry and rent boutique bills and food.

With spring right around the corner, my life calming down and finding a rhythm, I think I’ll be able to post here more often. Random rants, blathering, and what not. Y’know, the usual. 

I’m finally in a happy place!

Slowly but Surely

Things are getting better. For a while nothing good not bad seemed to be happening in my circle of being. Just the same ol’ routine.  Then the bad things rolled in:

My older sister and brother-in-law filed for divorce, a friend is in the same boat with his wife, Divo joined me at my workplace only to quit due to poor management, I was in line to be trained as a manager but was passed over, my grandfather passed away, and a friend moved in and has been without a job for over a month.  We’ve been stressed due to that.

It changed this past week. I had put in an application a month ago at a rehabilitation center to work in their kitchen. I pretty much forgot about it until I received a call about setting up an interview. I accepted it. The chance to eventually leave my current place of employment was nice. The job, while it paid more, was part time. I took the interview anyway.

On the way to the rehab center a van was following me. I was a little nervous but that’s how I am. I turned, they didn’t. I glanced in the mirror and saw a flash of an image. A man with long hair, a large aged hat to hide a portion of his face, and a staff in one hand.

All I could think of was Odin I took it as a good omen. The interview went well and I placed an offering on the later in thanks and in hopes things would go my way.

I got the job.

I start this afternoon.

Maybe, just maybe, we can breath a little easier.

Back to Nature

Life around here hasn’t been too exciting.  I don’t know why.  Though, oddly enough, I found myself in a rather happy mood these past three days.  Maybe it’s the warm weather.  Maybe it’s a break in my depression.  Who knows!  What I do know is that Grendal, Divo, and I went out to a farm today to help out and see the animals.  It was wonderful to get out.  Also turns out that this is the farm’s biggest year in shares and their new sustainable shares……and that Grendal is their ONLY help this year.  I’ve decided to volunteer because this family was awesome to us last year and it only seems right.

Anywho, as per usual I have a few pictures.  Nothing spectacular.  Just random shots off the phone.  Which will be beneath the cut.

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In Which I Crawl Out From (the fallout) Beneath my Blankets

So, holidays have come and passed.  The hectic life of the retail employee has died down as people recover from the spending.  My own dread and distaste has gone and so the humdrum life has crept back in.

So, what have I been doing for the past 3 months? Besides working, holidays, being annoyed by family, etc.?  Gaming, of course!  And not just D&D like was mentioned before my disappearance but thanks to a new PC game.

Fallout 4.  Surprise, surprise, I know.  I have a soft spot for Bethesda’s games, and while I like the sword and sorcery of the Elder Scrolls Saga there is a nice charm with Fallout 3 and Fallout 4.  And, again no surprise here, I have begun the foray into taking screenshots galore.  The reactions of companions aren’t as amazingly hilarious as the Mass Effect companions, but I do find the humor there.  They have romantic companions, a term I use loosely because its more like ‘I like you, do you like me? Yes? Cool. We are together.’ Sure you have to be charismatic enough and do enough things for the character to like you, but there is nothing IN GAME other than dialogue to show for it.  Well, you get a perk or two but that’s it!  No hugs.  No smooches.  No wiggly eyebrows and innuendo. Nothing.

Modding community, I am waiting for you to work your magic once the kit comes out (which is taking too damn long).

Other than screenshots I have tumbled down the family hole of the internet that contains fandom workings, mainly fanfiction.  Mainly the Fallout Kink Meme site.  I know, I know. Smut galore but there are the fluffy things.  The comforting works.  The friends being dorks and taking on the world. Alternate Universe stories.  But yes, there is smut.  And with this current fandom my only contribution has been 3 pieces of work, two smutty and one smut-adjacent.  I consider it to be a way for my flex my writing abilities.

I do openly admit to people online and to real world friends that I write smut/erotica (word choice depends on the person).  I am, however, VERY reluctant to fork over said pieces, and there are a few, of any erotic work that I have written.  It makes me nervous.  People know that I have a dirty mind and pairing that up with the fact that I have been with Grendal for 10+, there is no doubt that I have done ‘the nasty'(my inner child giggled at that).  Yet for me to hand something to a friend and ask them to read about two characters getting it on in some way, I clam up.  So the anonymity of the internet is my friend.

But yes, I am back.  Nothing other than holidays and gaming has taken place over my absence.  Sad but not much so.  Winter is a time to reflect for me and stay cozy.  Unfortunately this hasn’t really been winter.  I suppose that’s the reason why I have been so pissy.

Well That Sucked

Sorry for the lack of posts. Not much has been going on but I have some ideas rolling around.

Grendal and I celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary a few weeks ago. We even had some awesome pictures of what we did.

Key word, had.  Our computer decided to bite the dust and everything on our desktop is gone. I hadn’t moved our pictures to our external hard drive yet.  So only a verbal recap will occur.

Don’t worry, though. On the 8th of August Grendal and I are taking my nieces to the Ren Fair again. There will be pictures.

Now I just need a computer to load them on.

On a Lighter Note

Now that things have calmed down a bit I can talk about some of the better things that have happened during this past week.

Grendal and I were told that anything in his grandparents’ kitchen could be ours since we had recently moved into our first home. It was heartwarming in the middle of all the drama, anger, and overwhelming sadness. We waited a few days before returning to look at what was there. We waited so Grendal could work up the courage and not cry looking at the empty house.

So I began looking through the cupboards, feeling a little awkward all the while. One I opened had a small collection of cookbooks. My one weakness, and apparently Granny’s.as well. I pulled them down and looked through them. Most were rather recent and had to do with health issues. Recipes with low sodium, heart healthy, etc. I found two cookbooks, one older than me by 10 years, that had been put together by a small community in Wisconsin. The book had hand written notes on pages. Apparently the zucchini bread recipe on page 10 is worth looking at (I love zucchini bread).

In the midst of all the recipes I found what looked like a large pamphlet. Upon further inspection it was a folded up, poster sized paper. Alone and curious as a cat, I began to unfold it.

My little witchy heart was all a flutter.

Staring back at me was a large grid of common herbs and what could be harvested from them. A column for uses to ease ailments. How to dry them properly. Luckily for me no one was in the kitchen so they didn’t have to witness a 30 year old woman jumping around like a child. I showed Grendal once I calmed down and he was just as interested, especially since he is now known as the ‘Herb Guy’ at work due to making up a nice herbal tea concoction to ease a friend’s lungs.

While I do worship the Norse gods and the title of heathen is the closest thing I can relate to, kitchen witchery has always been an interest of mine. I have dabbled in it, putting in extra energies while baking or preparing a meal. Knowing that certain spices aid in certain things. I never got to the point where I am comfortable in adding kitchen witch to my title. Hearth and home, though, are big things to me. I think that mat be one reason why my home has to be just so and that meals are a very big thing to me. Especially in winter.

I suppose this little ramble is done. Like I said, happy things coming out of the recent drama. 😀